From Death to Life: My Resurrection Story
After years in the counseling field, I made a decision 11 years ago that my family needed me to make more money. I decided retail management was the way to go. Only one problem, I had never done retail in my life! Somehow, I convinced a company, my wife, and myself this was a great idea. I got through the training and was sent to a store an hour from my home. I spent the next two months being trained by the people I was supposed to be training. I couldn’t do their job and therefore could not do my own. I took it seriously, believing this was it, I would never change careers again, so I have to be successful.
The next seven months in that store changed my life…for the worse. Every day I walked in, I felt the weight of unachievable store goals, disgruntled employees, unsatisfied customers, and the realization that I was not a great manager, and over time, not a great man any longer.
I began to work 60, 70, and eventually 80 hours a week. Over time, I stopped caring about what was happening in the life of my two small children. I attended church only when convenient (it never was) and eventually moved to the 3rd shift by choice because it was better for the company, ruining my ability to connect with my wife or children. On one of my few days off, I was driving my 2-year old son, Jackson, to the store when he said,
“Daddy, do you know what’s weird?”
“What’s that, buddy” I replied.
“Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I forget what you look like.”
THOSE WORDS STUNG FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, BUT I HAD BECOME SO NUMB THAT I JUSTIFIED IT IN MY MIND AS A SACRIFICE FOR MY FAMILY.
The breaking point came on a typical morning driving home from my job. Like many other days, I was stressing about what needed to be done at home to keep the peace and what was needed from me that evening at the store. There were times where these thoughts had consumed me enough that I would have to pull over and literally vomit to feel better. As I pulled into my house, my family had just pulled into the driveway. They were returning home from church (I had no clue it was Sunday).
As I headed to the bedroom after greeting my family, my wife followed me back.
“How was work,” she asked.
“Same.”
“I wanted you to know we prayed for you at church today.”
“I don’t wanna hear that crap,” was my reply, one which I will never forget.
“Okay,” she replied, then left to keep the kids quiet so that I could sleep.
I slept for 4-5 hours and then woke up to eat an early dinner so I could make the drive back to the office. When I woke, something was different. I didn’t hear my wife making dinner. I stepped out towards the kitchen and saw a suitcase packed by the front door. I was confident my marriage was over.
“Sarah, what is this?” I asked, trying not to sound nervous.
“I’m not leaving you, Tim, but I have made a reservation for you at a cabin in Hocking Hills (a camping site about 2 hours from our house). It’s for five days. I figured if you are willing to go, I wanted to pack your stuff, and if you’re not willing to go, maybe you should get a room near your work because I’m sure it will be easier for you to get some extra sleep.”
I DON’T KNOW IF I WAS SCARED OR JUST FELT INFERIOR, BUT I LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, “I’M GOING TO WORK.” AND LEFT.
As I pulled up to the store, I hopped out and saw the suitcase in my backseat. Something inside of me said if I didn’t head to the cabin, everything in my life would change. I got back in my car and drove away.
As I sat down on the bed in that one-room cabin, in the middle of the woods, I opened my suitcase. Inside, my wife had packed everything I would need: clothes, toiletries, with an extra item, my Bible. I’ll be honest, I rolled my eyes when I saw it. I set the suitcase down, laid down, and closed my eyes. Frankly, I was exhausted.
When I awoke, I felt like I had slept better than any night over the past few months. The Sun was rising, and I felt great. When I arrived, the owner told me that breakfast was served in the morning at the main house. So, I walked up to see what was on the menu. When the owners saw me, they were immediately relieved. One said, “Thank God you’re okay!”. I asked what was wrong. They said they had come down to the cabin to check on me, and I had not responded to any of their knockings. I asked what the time was. “9 pm,” she replied.
THE SUN WASN’T GOING UP; THE DAY WAS ALMOST OVER.
For the next four days, I paced, talked to myself, read the Bible, yelled at God, prayed, and slept. It felt very similar to the stories I had heard early in my counseling career about detoxing from drugs and alcohol. While the first couple of nights were awful, the last couple gave me the clarity I needed.
I still had no clue where my life was headed or how I would support my family. One thing was sure; I had to quit my job and put things in the proper order in my life, starting with God. All of my good intentions had taken my life right off the rails, and in order to make it right, I needed a new beginning. I had fewer answers than ever before but more peace than I could imagine. For the first time in my life, with no ambitions, no financial security, a marriage hanging on by a thread, and kids who seemed to be just fine without me, I surrendered to Jesus and finally felt free.