Janine’s Story

My Resurrection Story

Have you ever sat with a trusted friend and had this debate with yourself: Should I tell them I’m not ok, or should I keep pretending I’m fine?

That debate is where this resurrection story begins. I was sitting in a café with a friend. We had a few hours to kill, and I could barely keep casual conversation because my mind was so cluttered. I had spent the previous two days pushing down the feeling that I just wasn’t close to God. It was as though God was attempting to get my attention, and the nervousness in knowing that I probably couldn’t avoid him much longer began to surface.

I sat there feeling like a fraud. I knew that I loved God, but I struggled to recall the last time I had a moment of true connection with him. I felt as though my relationship with God- which should change everything- had no bearing on my daily life. I couldn’t shake the idea that it was all my fault. All that existed was shame that I, a pastor, couldn’t just get it together. I remembered admitting to God only hours before that he had become more of a coworker than a Father. I wanted God’s will to be done, I dedicated my life to serving his church, but I forgot how to let him love me.

So, I sat across from a friend wondering what would happen if I came clean and admitted that I had felt this way for the last several years. What if I just confessed how good I had become at keeping God at the perfect distance so that I never had to deal with myself? Would they have any trust or respect left for me at all? Should I tell them I’m not really ok, or should I just keep pretending I’m fine?

“I’m struggling, and here’s why…”

The sentence just flew out, and I could hardly believe it. I had never put words to what I had been experiencing until just then. There was a sense of relief and also discomfort. It was uncomfortable because I allowed myself to admit who I honestly was. I felt like a kid who had just come clean to an elaborate lie. The relief was that I felt like a kid again. Not just some kid, but a child of God. This story is important to me because it has served as a milestone of sorts for my faith. When I feel the temptation to avoid the unsightly parts of who I am, I think back to this story. I remember the honesty that allowed me to be seen. I remember the growth that began when I quit trying to maintain a version of myself that didn’t actually exist. It was the first moment in a long time that I sensed God’s presence but didn’t feel shame. Even then, I knew this story would be significant. So, right from where I sat, I took a picture. It’s a terrible photo, really.

The only thing special about it is the story it tells every time I see it. It’s a resurrection story, and I am grateful that God used it to bring life back to me.

-Janine